If you are reading this, you may have been through some really painful things. Spiritual abuse can leave deep wounds in our hearts and minds. It can also make it hard to trust people, or even trust ourselves. But the great news is this: healing from spiritual abuse is possible. And you don’t have to rush. You can take it one small step at a time.
In this post, we’ll talk about how to feel our feelings and heal, without getting overwhelmed.
- Learn what spiritual abuse is here: Spiritual Abuse Explained: What it is and how to recognise it
- If you are worried that you are being spiritually abused, check out this post: Am I Being Spiritually Abused? Signs, Support, and What to Do Next
- Find out how spiritual abuse causes trauma here: Does Spiritual Abuse Cause Trauma? Understanding the Impact
- Understand the long-term effects of spiritual abuse here: Why Spiritual Abuse Stays With Us: The Long-Term Effects
After Abuse: Big Feelings Are Normal
When we finally get to a place where we feel safe, and we start to understand what really happened to us, many emotions can come up. Some people feel:
- Sad that they were treated badly
- Angry at the people who hurt them
- Ashamed that they didn’t leave sooner
- Guilty for the ways they hurt others while they were still inside the group or system
Leaving the abusive group or situation can also bring up other feelings:
- Sadness about losing people or community
- Fear of the world outside
- Fear of the future
- Confusion about who we are now
If you feel these things, you’re not alone. These emotions are normal after going through something as big as spiritual abuse. Feeling them doesn’t mean something is wrong with you. It means your body and mind are trying to make sense of what happened.
The important thing is learning how to feel your feelings in a safe way. That means you don’t get stuck in them, and they don’t take over your life.
When Feelings Feel Too Big
Sometimes emotions can become so strong that we feel out of control. This is called dysregulation. It means your nervous system is overwhelmed, and your brain thinks you are in danger again—even when you are safe now.
When we are dysregulated, we might:
- Feel panicked or anxious
- Feel very tired or drained
- Get very angry
- Feel numb or “not in our body”
- Feel like we don’t want to go on living
If you are feeling like this, it’s important to get support. You can visit the Help For When You Feel Overwhelmed page. If you are having thoughts about taking your own life, visit this page on the NHS website. You don’t have to go through this alone.
All of us get dysregulated sometimes, especially after trauma. It doesn’t mean you’re broken. It just means your body needs help to feel safe again.
Facing the Past, Living in the Present
Healing from spiritual abuse means two things:
- Looking at the past, so you can understand what happened.
- Living in the present, so you can build your new life.
We don’t have to do all of this at once. In fact, it’s better if we go slowly, and spend more time in the present than the past. We can dip into the past, and then come back to the present. Over time, this helps us heal in a way that feels manageable.
If we only focus on the past, we might feel stuck. But if we never look at it, we might keep carrying harmful beliefs from the abuse without even knowing it.
That’s why it’s helpful to go bit by bit—looking at the past, feeling a little emotion, then coming back to safety.
Is This Guide for You?
This guide is for people who have already left the abusive group and are starting to heal. You might be:
- Learning about what spiritual abuse really is
- Noticing harmful beliefs that were planted in you
- Wanting to feel more like yourself again
As you do these things, emotions will likely come up. This guide will help you feel those emotions without becoming overwhelmed.
To learn more about the process of healing from spiritual abuse, check out this post: How to Heal from Spiritual Abuse: A Step-by-Step Recovery Guide
Step 1: Think About What Supports You
Before we do any emotional work, we need support. Support is anything that helps you feel calm, grounded, or safe. It can be:
- A person you trust
- A place in nature
- A song you love
- An imaginary safe place inside
- Breathing slowly
- Stretching or dancing
- Stroking a pet
- Holding an object that makes you smile
- Remembering a happy time
Take a moment to write down a list of your own supportive things. You can come back to this list whenever you need to feel safe.
Step 2: Connect with Safety First
Before you do something that might bring up tough feelings—like reading about spiritual abuse or thinking about your past—first spend some time doing something from your support list.
For example, you might:
- Take a walk outside
- Listen to calming music
- Imagine a peaceful place in your mind
This tells your brain and body: I am safe now. It helps you stay calm, even when emotions start to come up.
Step 3: Dip Into the Emotion
When you feel ready, you can gently begin your healing work.
This might mean reading an article about spiritual abuse. It might mean thinking about a harmful belief you were taught.
As you do this, notice if any feelings come up. Maybe you feel sad, angry, scared, or something else.
Pause. Take a breath. Say to yourself:
“I am feeling [name the emotion].”
Now, pay attention to your body. Where do you feel this emotion?
Does your chest feel tight? Are your shoulders tense? Does your stomach feel strange?
Try not to get swept away by the feeling. Just observe it.
Now ask:
“Does my body want to move?”
Sometimes you may want to:
- Shake your hands
- Wiggle your toes
- Sigh or stretch
- Pull a face
- Hug yourself
Let yourself move in that way—but do it slowly. Slow movement helps the feeling flow out instead of building up.
Set a timer if you want—start with just 15 seconds, and notice the emotion. That’s enough. As you become more confident, you can spend longer and add the other steps.
Step 4: Come Back to Safety
After you’ve spent a little time with your emotion, return to something from your support list. Maybe:
- Drink a cup of tea
- Pet your dog or cat
- Take a bath
- Do a breathing exercise
You don’t need to stay in hard feelings for a long time. Just visit them briefly, then come back to safety.
If the emotion becomes too strong, stop. You can do something completely different—walk to another room, clean something, call a friend. Active things can help calm you down.
You can also visit the Help for When You Feel Overwhelmed: Getting Through Hard Moments page if you need more support.
Step 5: Choose Whether to Continue
You can repeat this process if you want:
- Feel safe
- Dip into emotion
- Come back to safety
But if you’re tired, it’s okay to stop. Rest is part of healing. Be kind to yourself. You don’t need to force anything.
Healing Should Feel Manageable
Healing doesn’t have to be painful and exhausting. It should feel safe, gentle, and manageable.
If something feels too hard right now, that’s okay. You can slow down or take a break. Focus on building a good life in the present. That’s part of healing too.
It’s easy to want a quick fix or a big breakthrough. But when we try to heal too fast, we can actually make ourselves feel worse. Real healing happens slowly, with gentleness and care.
If you reach a point where you want some extra support, there is help available on the Get Help for Spiritual Abuse page.
A Little Science (If You’re Curious)
You don’t need to know the science for this to work—but some people find it helpful.
Your Nervous System
When you feel threatened, your nervous system goes into one of four modes:
- Fight – You feel angry and ready to attack
- Flight – You feel anxious and want to run
- Freeze – You feel numb and shut down
- Fawn – You try to please others to stay safe
These are normal reactions. They helped our ancestors survive. But after trauma, our brains can overreact to small things, thinking we are in danger when we’re not.
That’s why we practice coming back to safety—so our nervous system learns it’s okay now.
The Window of Tolerance
The “Window of Tolerance” is the amount of stress you can handle before you feel overwhelmed.
- When you’re inside the window, you feel calm and can think clearly. Your nervous system is in ‘rest and digest’ mode.
- When you’re outside the window, you may feel overwhelmed and stressed out. Our nervous system has sensed a threat, and is taking action.
As we move out of our window of tolerance, our nervous system might rise up into ‘hyper-arousal’, which is where Fight and Flight modes are. Or we might sink down into ‘hypo-arousal’, which is where Freeze mode is. Our nervous system is ‘dysregulated’.
By dipping into emotion and then returning to safety, we are practicing how to come back to safety. This makes it easier when we get dysregulated, because our body and brain already know what to do.
Doing this also helps our window grow. That means over time, you’ll be able to handle more without getting overwhelmed.
Healing Gets Easier Over Time
A few years ago, I was overwhelmed every single day. My emotions pulled me in lots of different directions. Normal life felt too hard.
Now, things feel easier. I still have big emotions sometimes, but I know what to do with them. I don’t get stuck anymore.
You can heal too. It can feel like a safe, gentle process. And you don’t have to do it all at once.
Books I Used to Write This Post
- Anchored: How to Befriend Your Nervous System Using Polyvagal Theory, by Deb Dana.
- Transforming the Living Legacy of Trauma, by Janina Fisher
- 8 Keys to Safe Trauma Recovery, by Babette Rothschild
- Healing Trauma, by Peter Levine
- Healing the Fragmented Selves of Trauma Survivors, by Janina Fisher
- Nurturing Resilience, by Kathy Kain and Stephen Terrell
- Becoming Safely Embodied, by Deirdre Fay
For more helpful books, videos and podcasts about spiritual abuse and the road to recovery, check out the Spiritual Abuse Recovery: Helpful Resources page.
