Spiritual abuse can hurt deeply. It can make us feel scared, powerless, or confused. Some people feel lost, while others feel ashamed or angry. It can change the way we see the world—and how we see ourselves. But here’s something important to remember: healing is possible. You can recover.
In this post, we’ll talk about what spiritual abuse is, what healing might look like, and the steps you can take on your journey. You don’t have to take all the steps at once. Think of recovery like walking across stepping stones—just one step at a time.
What Is Spiritual Abuse?
Spiritual abuse is when someone uses religion or spirituality to control, scare, or hurt you. This might happen in a religious group, a family, or even a one-on-one relationship. Sometimes, people pretend to care about you, but really they just want power.
They may say things like:
- “God will be angry with you if you don’t obey.”
- “You must stay with us, or bad things will happen.”
- “Your feelings don’t matter—just follow the rules.”
That is not what love or faith should look like. Real love doesn’t control or shame you. Real faith shouldn’t make you feel small or afraid.
- If you want to learn more about what spiritual abuse is, you can read this post: Spiritual Abuse Explained: What it is and how to recognise it
- To learn more about how spiritual abuse can cause trauma, check out Does Spiritual Abuse Cause Trauma? Understanding the Impact
- Or to read about the impact of spiritual abuse, visit Why Spiritual Abuse Stays With Us: The Long-Term Effects
What Does Recovery from Spiritual Abuse Mean?
Fixing or Healing?
Some people see recovery as “fixing” yourself. But that makes it sound like you are trying to go back to the way you were before the abuse happened. But that probably isn’t going to happen – we will always be shaped in some way by what we have been through.
Instead, we can talk about “healing” – slowly moving from feeling overwhelmed by our experiences, to having them as just another part of our story. We might not ever be the same again, but that doesn’t mean we can’t be happy and content.
If we are seeing our journey as getting fixed, we might say to ourselves:
- “I need to get fixed quickly”
- “My life can’t show what happened”
- “I should go back to who I was before the abuse happened”
- “I am ashamed of what happened”
If we see our journey as healing, we might say to ourselves:
- “It’s ok that healing takes time”
- “I still have scars, but they don’t hurt so much anymore”
- “What I’ve been through has helped make me who I am today”
- “I can be proud of my journey”
Healing might mean:
- Feeling safe in your body and mind
- Learning to calm down when something triggers you
- Speaking up about what wasn’t ok and seeking justice
- Saying “no” and meaning it
- Discovering who you really are, outside the group
- Building a life you actually enjoy
Letting Go of the Pressure to Be Perfect
When we are in abusive groups, we might be told we must be perfect. But in real life, nobody is perfect. We are human. We make mistakes. Recovery is not about being perfect—it’s about healing, one step at a time. The healing journey might be messy sometimes, but it’s beautiful too.
You might still carry scars, but they don’t define you. Your life can still be full of beauty, peace, and joy. And most importantly, it can feel like your own.
To find out more about how to be kind to yourself as you recover, check out this post: Self-Compassion for Spiritual Abuse Survivors: A Step-By-Step Guide
Activity: What Does Recovery Mean to You?
Take a minute to think about what your healing journey might look like. You can use the list above or make your own. Here are some ideas to start:
- I want to feel like myself again
- I want to stop blaming myself
- I want to trust people (or myself) again
- I want to feel happy and safe
Write down anything that feels true for you. There’s no wrong answer.
Four Steps to Healing from Spiritual Abuse
Dr. Gillie Jenkinson talks about four steps that can help us heal from spiritual abuse. Let’s explore each one together.
1. Get Safe
The very first step is finding safety. Before you can start to heal, you need to be in a safe place physically.
That means:
- Being away from the abusive group or person
- Having a place to live
- Having food, money, and support
Trying to heal when you’re still unsafe can actually make things worse. So make sure you take this step first. If you need support, visit the Get Help for Spiritual Abuse page. You can also check out the post Am I Being Spiritually Abused? Signs, Support, and What to Do Next.
2. Understand What Happened
Once you are safe, the next step is understanding what happened to you.
In spiritual abuse, people often try to change the way we think to make us easier to control. This is called indoctrination. They teach us to:
- Ignore our own feelings
- Believe we are “bad” or “sinful”
- Stay silent, even when something is wrong
- Trust only the group
This kind of thinking makes it hard to leave—and hard to feel okay outside the group.
But once you begin to see these thought patterns, you can start to change them. You might realise, “That wasn’t my fault,” or, “I actually don’t believe that anymore.”
You’ll start remembering who you are— what things you enjoy, what kind of people you like spending time with. Your real self begins to come back.
To learn more about indoctrination, check out What Is Indoctrination? How Spiritual Abuse Can Change How You Think.
You can also read about how to heal from indoctrination here – How to Heal From Indoctrination: Taking Back Your Mind
3. Heal Emotionally
As you understand what happened, emotions may come up. That’s normal.
You might feel:
- Sad
- Angry
- Guilty
- Confused
Sometimes it feels like these feelings were stuck inside for a long time, and now they’re rushing out. That’s okay. You don’t have to feel everything at once.
In abusive groups, we might have been pressured into having big emotional experiences. The group might have told us that’s what healing looks like. But being overwhelmed by emotions like that can actually leave us more vulnerable. Healing should always feel gentle and safe.
Here’s a safe way to process big feelings:
- Help yourself feel calm and safe
- Gently dip into the emotion or memory
- Notice what you feel in your body
- Return to the present moment
This method is called titration or pendulation. It helps you feel your feelings little by little, so they don’t become overwhelming. The more we practice, the easier it is to do this in moments when we feel triggered.
I talk more about how to do this here: How to Heal from Spiritual Abuse Without Feeling Overwhelmed: A Gentle Guide
You might also hear people say that healing means telling your story over and over in therapy. But that’s not always helpful. Sometimes it’s better to work with how your body feels now, instead of focusing only on the past.
Some kinds of therapy that might help include:
- EMDR – a trauma therapy that works with eye movements
- Somatic Experiencing – works with feelings in our bodies
- Internal Family Systems – works with different parts of you
There are more self-help books and resources on the ‘Resources page’ too.
4. Build a New Life
As you start healing, you can begin to build a life that fits you.
This might include:
- Finding a job or going back to school
- Making new friends who accept you
- Exploring hobbies and interests
- Moving to a new place
- Creating healthy routines
Some people also choose to take action or speak out about their past. That’s a big step—so only do it if you feel safe and ready. You can find out how I approach sharing my story here: Should I Share My Story Online? Some Thoughts From A Survivor.
The most important part is this: you are in charge now. You get to make more choices about what your life looks like.
The Journey Can Be Windy
Healing doesn’t go in a straight line. You might feel great one day and triggered the next. That’s okay.
Think of your journey like a spiral, slowly moving upward. You might circle back to things you thought you were done with—but each time, you’ll handle them a little better.
Even now, I sometimes catch myself thinking in old ways from my past. But when that happens, I notice it, challenge it, and remind myself that I am safe. Then I move forward again.
The journey can be hard. It can feel long. But it does get easier over time.
How Do You Feel Right Now?
Take a moment. Breathe.
- What are you feeling in your body?
- Do you need a break?
- Is there anything you need right now?
It’s okay to feel a little overwhelmed. Looking at the big picture of healing can be a lot. Just remember—you don’t have to do everything at once.
You only need to take one step at a time.
Maybe you feel hopeful. Perhaps a little unsure. Even a bit excited. However you feel is okay. If you need help right now, you can visit the Get Help for Spiritual Abuse page. You can also check out the post Help for When You Feel Overwhelmed: Getting Through Hard Moments.
You Can Heal
Spiritual abuse can hurt, but it does not define you.
- You are allowed to be free.
- You are allowed to heal.
- You are allowed to grow, dream, and build something new.
Books I Used to Write This Post
- Escaping the Maze of Spiritual Abuse, by Lisa Oakley and Justin Humphreys
- Walking Free From The Trauma Of Coercive, Cultic and Spiritual Abuse, by Gillie Jenkinson
- When Religion Hurts You: Healing from Religious Trauma and the Impact of High-Control Religion, by Laura Anderson
- Take Back Your Life: Recovering From Cults and Abusive Relationships, by Janja Lalich and Madeleine Tobias
- Anchored: How to Befriend Your Nervous System Using Polyvagal Theory, by Deb Dana.
- Transforming the Living Legacy of Trauma, by Janina Fisher
- 8 Keys to Safe Trauma Recovery, by Babette Rothschild
For more helpful books, videos and podcasts about spiritual abuse and the road to recovery, check out the Spiritual Abuse Recovery: Helpful Resources page.
