If you have been hurt in a faith group before, going to a new spiritual group can feel scary or overwhelming. You have had some bad experiences (maybe even spiritual abuse), and going into a new faith space means risking getting hurt again.
Do You Want to Try a New Group?
For some people, going to a new faith community isn’t a step they want to take. That’s okay. There are lots of other ways to get our needs for belonging and meaning met.
For other people, the risk of trying again with a new group is worth it. But you need to feel ready. The post Is It Safe to Join a New Spiritual Group After Religious Trauma? can help you think through if going back to a new spiritual community is a step you want to take, and if you are ready.
If you’re thinking about going to a faith community, like a church, temple, or group meeting, and you feel safe enough to try it, it can help to make a plan first. Planning ahead can make things feel easier and less scary.
Choosing a Group
What Feels Safe in a Faith Community?
You have learned a lot from your experiences of being hurt. You can think about what red flags there might have been in your old group, and how you can tell if a new group is safe.
In the post Is It Safe to Join a New Spiritual Group After Religious Trauma? I suggest that finishing these sentences could help you figure out what feels safe to you:
- “I could never feel safe in a group that ______.”
- “To feel safe, a group needs to ______.”
- “Before I joined, I’d need to know that ______.”
- “I’ll know it’s safe if ______.”
- “I’ll know it’s not safe if ______.”
- “I’ll start to wonder if it’s safe if ______.”
Finding Information About a Group
From this, you could write a list of criteria to help you as you look for a new group. You could write a list of things you feel you need to know. Think about how you can find this information out. You could:
- look at their website or social media
- if they have a YouTube channel, watch some of their content
- email them with some questions
- talk to people you trust who are part of the group
- see if the group has been featured in the media
- see if people discuss the group in forums like Reddit
Remember, you can’t trust everything that groups post online or say in an email. But it’s a helpful starting point.
Some good things to think about are:
- Do they have a safeguarding policy on their website? This is an important sign that they are at least aware that safeguarding is important.
- Are they a registered charity? Charities have to answer to the Charity Commission, so if something goes wrong you have more ways to raise a complaint.
- Are they making any promises which feel too good to be true? Unhealthy groups often promise that your life will be ‘transformed’ or that they can fix all of your problems. No group can do that for us.
- Do they use lots of jargon? Unhealthy groups often use lots of hyper-spiritual language that doesn’t make much sense to outsiders.
- Do they mind you asking questions before you go? Healthy communities are kind and supportive to people who have been hurt before, and understand that you might need some extra information or support.
What Are You Looking For in a Faith Community?
It’s also important to think about whether the activities and events the group puts on feel good to you. In your past group, you might have been told that you needed to join in with whatever was going on, no matter if it suited your own authentic spirituality or not. Now you get to decide:
- Do you like how they express their spirituality? Is the style contemplative enough, or lively enough for example?
- Do you agree with their teachings?
- Do they have the kind of community or events you are looking for?
Of course, no group will be perfect or meet all of our needs. But it is important that we ask these questions to help us decide if a group might be close enough to what we are looking for.
If you find a group that from the outside looks safe enough, the next step is to think about your first visit.
Before You Go
Ask yourself:
- Do I need to know anything before I go?
- Can I contact someone there to ask questions?
- Would I like to visit the building before the event?
Visiting early can help you feel more comfortable. You can find the toilets, exits, and maybe even pick a seat you like. You might also get to ask questions in person.
Making a Plan
Think about what might help you feel safe and supported:
- Will someone go with you?
- How will you get there?
- Where will you sit? Maybe near an exit so you can leave quietly if needed.
- Will you carry something in your pocket that helps you feel calm?
- Will you repeat a phrase in your head like, “This is just a test. I can leave anytime”?
- Can you decide ahead what you’ll do if something feels wrong? Like, “If X happens, I’ll leave,” or “If Y happens, I’ll go to the bathroom and call my friend.”
- If you decide you need to leave, where will you go?
Planning for Triggers
Sometimes things can make us feel upset or scared. That’s called being “triggered.” It helps to plan for that too:
- What usually happens when you get triggered?
- How will you know it’s happening? What signs does your body give you?
- What will you do if it happens?
- Who can you ask for help?
- What calming skills can you use?
- Will you leave right away? Where will you go?
- What will you do to take care of yourself afterward?
For some helpful thoughts on managing triggers, check out this post: Help for When You Feel Overwhelmed: Getting Through Hard Moments
Self-Care After You Go
Even if everything goes well, visiting a spiritual place can be stressful. Be kind to yourself afterward:
- What will you do to relax and feel better?
- What if something didn’t go well—how will you take care of yourself then?
If things don’t go as planned, try not to be hard on yourself. It’s a big deal to try something like this. You’ve learned more about what feels okay and what doesn’t.
If you feel sad, that’s okay. You can write about your feelings, talk to a safe friend, a counselor, or someone who supports you.
For some advice on processing hard feelings, check out How to Heal from Spiritual Abuse Without Feeling Overwhelmed: A Gentle Guide
Planning is key!
You might want to share your plan with someone who’s going with you or someone who knows you’re going. That way, they can help if you need it.
Planning ahead can make visiting a spiritual community feel safer and more manageable—especially if you’ve had hard experiences before. Only go if you feel ready, and remember: you’re in charge of your journey now.
Books I Used To Write This Post
- Transforming the Living Legacy of Trauma, by Janina Fisher
- 8 Keys to Safe Trauma Recovery, by Babette Rothschild
- When Religion Hurts You: Healing from Religious Trauma and the Impact of High-Control Religion, by Laura Anderson
For more helpful books, videos and podcasts about spiritual abuse and the road to recovery, check out the Spiritual Abuse Recovery: Helpful Resources page.
