Sometimes people talk about self-compassion, which means being kind to yourself.
That might sound a little soft or silly at first. But actually, being kind to yourself is a really strong and important skill—especially when you’ve been through something very difficult, like spiritual abuse.
Let’s talk about what spiritual abuse is, why being kind to yourself helps, and how you can begin practicing self-compassion in simple ways.
What Is Spiritual Abuse?
Spiritual abuse happens when someone uses religion, faith, or spiritual ideas to hurt or control others. This might happen in a faith setting, a spiritual group, or even in a family. People might have used religious or spiritual ideas to control your thoughts and behaviour, to make you easier to control.
Spiritual abuse is very harmful. It can make you feel confused, scared, and alone. But if you’ve left that situation and you’re trying to heal, you are a very brave person. It takes a lot of strength to walk away from people who hurt you and start over.
To learn more about spiritual abuse, check out this post: Spiritual Abuse Explained: What It Is and How to Recognise It.
Healing Is Hard, But Self-Compassion Helps
Healing from spiritual abuse is not easy. You might be trying to figure out lots of things at once:
- Where to live or how to earn money
- How to make new friends and trust people again
- How to deal with memories or feelings that come up
- Who you really are now that you’ve left the group
That’s a lot. It can feel scary and tiring. But here’s something important to know: being kind to yourself makes all of these things easier. It means we aren’t having to push against critical voices in our heads to move forwards, on top all the other challenges we are facing.
To learn more about recovery from spiritual abuse, check out this post: How to Heal from Spiritual Abuse: A Step-by-Step Recovery Guide
Why It’s Sometimes Hard to Be Kind to Ourselves
You might wonder, “Why is it so hard to be nice to myself?” That’s a really good question.
When we’ve been hurt, especially by people who said they cared about us, we often end up believing things that aren’t true. For example:
- Your abusers might have taught that you are a bad person.
- You might be afraid that if you stop being hard on yourself, you will do something wrong and be punished.
- You might have the voices of your abusers in your head that keep saying mean things.
These thoughts aren’t your fault. They come from the abuse, through a process called indoctrination. But the good news is this: you can unlearn them. You can learn to treat yourself with care, respect, and kindness instead.
Check out the post What Is Indoctrination? How Spiritual Abuse Can Change How You Think to learn more about how indoctrination works.
Go at Your Own Pace
Before we talk about how to be kind to yourself, here’s something important: take your time.
It’s best not to try and do too much at once. Try and do a little bit, and then stop and do something that brings you back to the present.
If you start feeling upset or overwhelmed while doing this work, it’s okay to stop. You can take a break and do something that helps you feel safe—like having a snack, going for a walk, watching a fun video, or petting an animal. Then you can come back to this when you’re ready.
Healing isn’t a race. You get to go at your own pace.
To learn more about how to heal without feeling overwhelmed, check out this post: How to Heal from Spiritual Abuse Without Feeling Overwhelmed: A Gentle Guide
Or if you feel overwhelmed right now, check out Help for When You Feel Overwhelmed: Getting Through Hard Moments
Step 1: Notice the Unkind Thoughts
Start by paying attention to the unkind things you think about yourself. Some of these things might be things the group taught you. For example:
- “I deserved the way I was treated.”
- “There is no hope for me because I have left.”
- “I’ll mess everything up if I’m kind to myself.”
- “I was weak or stupid for staying in the group for so long.”
But none of these are true. Try to change those thoughts into kinder ones. For example:
- “The group was cruel to me. I wouldn’t want anyone else to be treated like that, and I shouldn’t be treated like that either.”
- “The group was toxic, and I am strong and brave for leaving.”
- “Being kind to myself helps me be a better person for myself and other people.”
- “Anyone can be a victim of spiritual abuse. The group is to blame for what happened, not me.”
You could even write two columns on a piece of paper—one for the mean thoughts, and one for the kind ones you want to say instead. That way, you can practice replacing the old thoughts with better ones.
To learn more about unlearning unhelpful thoughts from the group, check out How to Heal From Indoctrination: Taking Back Your Mind.
Step 2: Find Your Inner Strength
Sometimes being kind to yourself means standing up for yourself inside your own mind. This is called feeling empowered. It can feel like a strong part of ourselves looking after and protecting a vulnerable part.
Here are some ways to feel stronger:
- Draw a circle of safety. On a piece of paper, draw a circle. Inside the circle, write down things you want to let in—like kindness, fun, love, rest. Outside the circle, write things you want to keep out—like fear, guilt, pressure, or cruelty. You can add people and places too.
- Move your body. Moving in ways that feel powerful—like dancing, running, lifting weights, or doing a sport—can help you feel more in control and connected to your body.
- Practice saying “no.” Stand in a strong pose—feet apart, shoulders back—and pretend you’re pushing something away with your hands. Say “No” out loud. This helps your brain learn that it’s okay to set boundaries.
Feeling strong makes it easier to care for yourself and to protect the parts of you that still feel hurt or scared.
Step 3: Start To Feel Compassion
From this strong, empowered place, we can begin to feel some compassion towards the vulnerable parts of ourselves. Here are some ideas to help:
- Imagine your best friend went through what you did. How would you talk to them? What would you want them to know?
- Would you tell them it was their fault? (Probably not!)
- Would you say they deserved to be hurt? (Of course not!)
- You’d probably say: “I’m so sorry that happened. You didn’t deserve it. I’m proud of you for getting out.”
- Now try saying those same things to yourself.
- You can also picture yourself as a kind grown-up helping a scared little kid. That kid could be a younger version of you—the part of you that still feels afraid. What would you say? Maybe something like, “You’re safe now. I’m here for you. You’re not alone.”
- Maybe try writing kind words to the parts of you that feel scared or vulnerable. If you want to, you can use the hand you don’t usually write with to express what your vulnerable parts are feeling. Then you can use your normal writing hand to write kind and encouraging things back.
Step 4: Put Compassion Into Action
Being kind to yourself isn’t just about thoughts. It’s about actions, too! Here are some ideas:
- Give yourself time to do something fun or relaxing that you enjoy.
- Do creative activities to express yourself, without saying mean things about what you make.
- Eat well, do some gentle exercise, and keep yourself clean.
- Make your space feel safe and happy with things you love.
- Say no to things you don’t have time for or don’t want to do.
Some people find this an easier place to start than connecting with feelings of self compassion. Either way, you are showing yourself that you are important and deserve kindness.
What If You Feel Bad While Doing This?
Sometimes, when we start being kind to ourselves, a part of us might push back. You might feel:
- Guilty
- Like someone is judging you
- Like you’re doing something wrong
- Like you take one step forward and then two steps back
That’s okay. It doesn’t mean you’re doing it wrong. It just means some part of you is still scared or stuck in old beliefs.
If this happens:
- Pause and do something grounding—like looking around and naming things you see, feeling your feet on the ground, or focusing on your breath. You can visit the I’m feeling triggered page for help.
- Remind yourself: It’s okay to feel this way. I’m safe now.
Later on, you can come back and think about what beliefs you might still have which is making this hard, and what you want to believe instead.
Self-Compassion Helps You Heal
Being kind to yourself might feel strange at first—especially if you were taught that you didn’t matter, or that you should just obey and never have your own thoughts or feelings.
But self-compassion is one of the most powerful ways to heal. It helps you feel safe, build confidence, and take back control of your life.
You’ve already done something amazing by leaving a harmful situation. Healing takes time, but being kind to yourself can help you every step of the way.
Even if you only do a little each day, it makes a difference. Over time, it gets easier. You begin to believe the truth: you are not broken or bad—you are brave, strong, and worthy of kindness.
Keep going. Be gentle with yourself. You are doing something strong and beautiful—and you don’t have to do it all at once.
Books I Used to Write This Post
- Anchored: How to Befriend Your Nervous System Using Polyvagal Theory, by Deb Dana.
- Transforming the Living Legacy of Trauma, by Janina Fisher
- 8 Keys to Safe Trauma Recovery, by Babette Rothschild
- Walking Free From The Trauma Of Coercive, Cultic and Spiritual Abuse, by Gillie Jenkinson
- When Religion Hurts You: Healing from Religious Trauma and the Impact of High-Control Religion, by Laura Anderson
- Recovery of Your Inner Child, by Lucia Capacchione
- Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving, by Pete Walker
For more helpful books, videos and podcasts about spiritual abuse and the road to recovery, check out the Spiritual Abuse Recovery: Helpful Resources page.
