People can have really good experiences in spiritual groups. These groups can help us feel loved, supported, and part of something special. But sometimes, things can go wrong. So how do we know when a spiritual group has become unhealthy—or even abusive?
Spiritual groups lie on a scale, from healthy to abusive. There is a lot in-between the two extremes. This post will help you think through what a healthy, unhealthy and abusive group might look like so that you can understand where your group sits.
What Is a Healthy Spiritual Group?
Let’s start with the good stuff. A healthy spiritual or religious group is a place where people:
- Feel safe and respected
- Can ask questions
- Are free to be themselves
- Can make their own choices
- Don’t feel pressure to give time or money
- Are allowed to leave without fear
In these groups, leaders care about the people in the group, not just about being in charge. People are allowed to believe different things and still feel welcome. There’s room for kindness, honesty, and asking questions.
More than that, if someone spots a problem, they can talk about it and the leaders will take it seriously. There are things in place to keep people safe and keep the group healthy.
What Is an Unhealthy Spiritual Group?
Not all problems start out as abuse. Sometimes a group means well but makes mistakes. Maybe a rule causes harm without anyone noticing. In a healthy group, people can talk about problems and fix them.
But if people try to speak up and are ignored or silenced, the group becomes unhealthy. This can hurt people. They may feel confused, alone, or like they don’t belong anymore.
When does a group become abusive?
If there aren’t things in place to keep the culture healthy, it can leave space for an abusive person to start controlling other people, because they know no one will stop them.
- Perhaps they take up a new leadership role, knowing that there isn’t a culture of challenging leaders.
- Perhaps they know that the group doesn’t have good polices in place or they don’t have enough knowledge about safeguarding, so they won’t get caught.
- Perhaps they see ways that people’s beliefs can be used to control them, and they start slowly changing the teaching or the way things are done.
To read more about what spiritual abuse is, visit my post Spiritual Abuse Explained: What it is and how to recognise it.
What About Cults?
Cults are at the very worst end of the spectrum. They often:
- Have one strong leader who must be obeyed
- Control how people think, act, and feel
- Punish people for trying to leave
But a group doesn’t have to be a full-on cult to still be harmful or spiritually abusive. To understand this more, you can read this post: Was It a Cult? Deciding What To Call A Harmful Group.
The importance of culture
You can see how it is about the culture of spiritual groups which can help them stay healthy. In their book, Escaping the Maze of Spiritual Abuse, Lisa Oakley and Justin Humphreys talk about what a healthy culture looks like. According to them, a healthy culture includes things like:
- knowledge about safeguarding
- policies and procedures to protect people
- structures which keep leaders accountable
- telling helpful, respectful stories about people and events
- easy ways for everyone to ask questions or talk about worries
- power is shared between lots of people
- rituals and day to day activities prioritise people’s wellbeing
Different People Have Different Experiences
One tricky thing is that people in the same group can have totally different experiences.
Let’s say a group teaches that women shouldn’t speak up as much as men. Men in that group might feel totally fine. But women may feel ignored, silenced, or even scared. The group feels healthy to some and harmful to others.
Also, the more involved someone is in a group, the more they might be harmed. Someone on the edge might think the group is safe, but people nearer the middle might be being abused.
Questions to Help You Think About Your Group
If you’re wondering if your group is healthy, here are some questions to ask yourself:
1. Can I ask questions?
In healthy groups, questions are welcomed. People can wonder, doubt, and explore together.
2. Can I believe something different?
You should still be treated with kindness even if you think differently about something.
3. Am I allowed to be myself?
You should feel accepted for who you are—your personality, your identity, and your ideas. You also should accept others – it goes both ways!
4. Do I make my own life choices?
You should be able to make your own decisions without feeling scared or forced.
5. Do I feel pressure to give money or time?
No one should guilt or push you to give more than you’re comfortable with.
6. Is my body respected?
You should never be touched without your permission. No one should force you to fast, hug, be sexual, or do anything that makes you feel unsafe.
7. Am I scared of the leaders?
Leaders should be kind and human—not treated like they’re perfect or all-powerful.
8. Am I afraid of being punished?
We should not be afraid of being punished by others or by God if we don’t do what the group thinks is best for us.
9. Can I leave?
You should be able to leave the group if you want to. People shouldn’t gossip about you, try and force you to stay, or stop talking to you.
10. Can I be only a little bit involved?
You should be allowed to take part as much or as little as you want.
11. Can I have friends and hobbies outside the group?
You should be able to have a full life outside the group, including friends who don’t share your beliefs.
What next?
If this list hasn’t brought up any red flags for you, then that’s great! It sounds like the community you are in could be a healthy one.
If you feel worried after reading this list, that’s a sign something might not be right.
Do you think this is something you could talk to the people in charge about? Do you know if other people feel the same way?
- If you are worried that you might be experiencing spiritual abuse, you can read the post Am I Being Spiritually Abused? Signs, Support, and What to Do Next.
- Or if you are worried about someone else, this post might be helpful: Supporting Someone Facing Spiritual Abuse: How You Can Help
Is Having Strong Beliefs Abusive?
Just believing something strongly doesn’t make it abusive. What is abusive is using beliefs to control people. For example:
- Believing that leaders have some authority is not spiritually abusive. When leaders use their authority to control others, this is spiritual abuse.
- Believing that God is at work in the world is not spiritually abusive. Claiming that you know what God wants for another person and using that to control their choices is spiritual abuse.
- Believing that sharing honestly with each other is powerful is not spiritually abusive. Using this belief to make someone share more than they are comfortable with is spiritual abuse.
- Believing that a spiritual teaching is true is not spiritually abusive. Threatening other people with hell or punishment if they believe something different is spiritual abuse.
- Using holy writings to encourage other people is not spiritually abusive. Using them to control other people’s behaviour or tell them what to do is spiritually abusive.
- Asking for financial support with honesty and openness is not spiritually abusive. Using scripture or spiritual teachings to put pressure on people to give is spiritual abuse.
- Using praying, chanting, speaking in tongues or other practices which change the way we feel is not spiritual abuse. Using these things to control people’s emotions and make them easier to influence is spiritual abuse.
We Need To Think About What We Believe
Spirituality and faith can be beautiful. They can help us feel connected to something bigger, offer comfort, and inspire hope. But that doesn’t mean we can’t ask questions or speak up when something feels wrong.
Sometimes, beliefs have been passed down in unhealthy ways—because they helped people stay in control in the past. That’s why it’s important to think for ourselves and ask hard questions about what we believe.
Healthy groups help people:
- Ask questions
- Make their own choices
- Be themselves
If your group does those things, that’s great. If not, it’s okay to talk about it. We all deserve to be part of a community that respects and cares for us.
If you think you need support, visit the Get Help for Spiritual Abuse page.
Books I Used to Write This Post
- Escaping the Maze of Spiritual Abuse, by Lisa Oakley and Justin Humphreys
- Take Back Your Life: Recovering From Cults and Abusive Relationships, by Janja Lalich and Madeleine Tobias
- Terror, Love and Brainwashing: Attachment in Cults and Totalitarian Systems, by Alexandra Stein
- Thought Reform and the Psychology of Totalism, by Robert Jay Lifton
- Traumatic Narcissism: Relational Systems of Subjugation, by Daniel Shaw
- Combatting Cult Mind Control, by Steven Hassan
For more helpful books, videos and podcasts about spiritual abuse and the road to recovery, check out the Spiritual Abuse Recovery: Helpful Resources page.
